i lost my grandfather today. he was one of the greatest men i ever knew. He was so kind, and i take comfort in the fact that he knew the Lord and is walking with him instead of suffering. I am going to his funeral tomorow, i dont really feel like saying much else because i am very sad.

Indiana does not want to take my breast anymore by itself.

i cannot stop crying

I am not ready to give up breast feeding god damnit!

that is my baby and we have developed such a great bond through nursing. i just cant give it up. i want to be that mom the nurses until her baby is 2, i want to be that mom that isnt afraid to nurse in public.

i am so sad today.

i had such a great day today.

when we got home from church, matt a big brown envelope waiting for me on the table. he left and told me after 20 mins to open it.

when i did i found page by page directions, with pictures of the exits, turns, e.t.c

it even had a picture of our favorite tree with a caption that said " i love this tree because it reminds me of you, it's beautiful and i love it."

i followed them to the river where i was then instructed to walk along the river until i came to an old mailbox used by the railroad.

inside were pictures that led me down a hill to the river bank.

i walked along the bank until i had to climb over a big rock and waiting for me on the other side was matt and indi with a picnic set up on a huge rock over looking the river.

i got a card from indi, and a card from matt. then matt read a love letter he wrote to me and proposed for the second time. he even had my ring!

then we feasted on uncrustables and orangina.

it was so amazing.

i am so lucky to have such wonderful men in my life.

matt and i have been doing alot better lately. i am so happy because i want us to be a close family. well i am tired and going to sleep. i am really looking forward to the 4 am feeding that will bring me a cuddley baby =)

i am unfortunatly still supplementing with formula. my milk is coming back though, little by little. i hate giving indi this gross man made crap. he has been spitting up and constipated. i wish i could go back to giving him only my mother milk but i have to be patient.

in the meantime i will keep using the SNS, it is so amazing. and indi likes it too.

indiana is out growing his sling. he cant look out in his current one and now that he is bigger he wants to see all of the exciting things going on around him! so today we ordered this for him.




matt picked the color and i am really excited to have my little tiny in it!

today i feel like i am fully embracing motherhood

the other day i was told i could not breast feed anymore

but today a lactation consultant came over and helped me.

I am taking two different herbal supplements:

goats rue

and phenugreek

i am supplementing with formula using an S N S

it looks like this





its basically a bottle full of formula and it goes through a tiny tube to my breast where indi sucks and receives the milk.

i have to feed him every 2 hours in the hopes that he will be close to 12 pounds by monday.

he is so much happier now that he is getting enough food. he smiles at me, and cuddles with me. i have never felt so satisfied in my life.

i think there is alot to be said for women that decide to stay home with their children. i know some people "have to" work, but i am willing to sacrifice so that I am the one that raises my children, instead of someone i pay to do it.

indiana is my world and i have never been more in love then i am today.

at the doctors today, we found indi has not gained weight and has actually lost weight

i am supposed to supplement with formula every 3 hours

i feel like i have failed as a mother.

i want to give indi what is best and that is my milk

not some crap manufactured by man.

i am going to miss the bond we have while feeding so much

im very depressed today =(

i love being native american

i had a dream last night that i lived in a loft. I went to a consignment store on the corner of my block. they were having this big charity were you picked out formal wear and then attended a ball they sponsored.
i grabbed a green dress and headed out.
while i was there i met a guy and we exchanged numbers. he was funny, interesting, and smart. i went back to my loft and tried to avoid matt, but i lay in our bed excited to meet this guy. i wish it would come true.

today i feel sad. when indi was first born everyone was more than willing to help me out. now a days no one has time.
also none of my "friends" have been trying to hang out with me. it really hurts my feelings because these are people i used to be so close with and shared some of the best memories with. i hate to think people would push me aside and forget about me because i have a baby now.
i have been so depressed and lonely these past couple of days.
but no one seems to care.

im really bummed because i was supposed to go to the cherry blossom festival with Carly today but her away says she went to the beach. She always says that her friends come first but i dont think thats true at all. She hurts my feelings alot because i feel like phil is more important. I always listen to her problems and i truely care about her but every other day it seems phil makes her cry.
Now i am going with matt and i really wanted a break from him. i miss my best friend. maybe its time i found a new one.

yay yay i special ordered these today.

matt bought me these today

i just ordered these earrings from etsy

so excited!

This is coming a bit late but I haven’t had the time to write everything I want.
The day before my birthday, an old friend of mine named Chris passed away. He was walking to class at his school in New Orleans. And he suffered a brain aneurism and was in a coma on life support. They couldn’t keep him alive and he passed the following evening.
I will be honest and say that my sadness was not caused mainly by his death but by the realization once again that I am not immortal and that horrible things do happen in this world.
When I graduated high school I went threw a period where I realized death was not only inevitable but could happen at any time and I would have no control over it. I had lived up until this point, believing I was immortal, as many teenagers do. This death brought back all of the old feelings I had before and gave me many new ones.
I was constantly thinking of Chris’s mom. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. While my sweet baby boy lay asleep in my arms, she was empty knowing hers would never be in them again. It made me afraid for my own son, knowing that at any time I could lose him. An untimely death was possible for anyone. I also wondered if Chris’s mother thought it was a waste of 19 years, and if she would have known he would have died at 19, would she have loved him as much and gotten attached? Did it feel like she was missing apart of herself? What does it feel like to know the human that lived inside of you for 9 months is no longer alive? Do you feel as though you failed?
I was not at peace because I did not know if he knew the Lord. When I had known him, he had a relationship with Christ and I believe he was walking the narrow path, but at this point I had no idea. It made me realize how many things on these earth are distractions sent by Satan. We get so wrapped up, in college life, relationships, and other various things that it takes our mind off of what is really important, God.
Of course I also wrestled with the questions, "why did this have to happen? What is Gods plane? How could God let this happen?” I have always had a problem with the world we live in today. I was very afraid when I was pregnant of the world I was bringing a child into. I don’t trust anyone and I rarely take comfort in anything this world has to offer. Everywhere I look I feel I see tragedy. My mother is a sexual assault forensic examiner and the stories she could tell you would make your heart weep. So I begged god for understanding on why this world is so fallen.
Then, at the funeral they made an announcement that Chris was an organ donor. So many people will be greatly affected by his passing. I am not saying this is the exact reason why he died, but it gave me some peace on the questions I had for God.
Also, I spent a lot of time remembering who he was as a person. He was probably the most hilarious person I have ever known. When his brother gave his eulogy, it was almost as if it was Chris incarnate. I remember one time, he called my phone and left me a voice message singing Toto’s "Africa" and "I just died in your arms tonight". Every time I was sad that month I replayed that message.
I had dated this boy briefly, and then we became good friends. He was the first boy I kissed in a movie theater. I still can’t believe the boy I kissed so passionately when I was only sixteen isn’t still a phone call away. I wish that I would have been able to hear one more joke, or say how much he meant to me.

Yesterday I laid indiana on the bed and to look for a dress in my closet. as soon as i turn my back i hear a loud thud and turn around to see his tiny body laying on the floor face down, i will never forget that horrific scene. He was crying, I was crying, i couldnt have felt worse. well he stopped crying eventually and i thought nothing of it. Last night he woke up at 1 and didnt go back to sleep all night and wouldnt stop screaming this morning, not even to nurse.
So i had to take him to the ER this morning. He had to get a cat scan. It was so sad to see his tiny body being moved in and out of the big machine but she let me stay in the room and sing to him. It turns out he just had some mild head trauma and will be back to normal in a little while.
I still feel very guilty but all of my friends that are moms have said the same thing has happened to them or worse. I hate seeing him sad, i cant even describe how much i love that little boy. I dont think you can ever know true selflessness and love until you have a child.

kimya dawson was amazing last night. but unfortunately there were these two drunk girls directly behind matt and they were very distracting. they dropped two wine glasses so there was glass all over the floor, they were yelling and talking while kimya was playing slow sad songs, and one of the girls kept leaning on matt because she was too drunk to stand. Everyone around them was, to say the least, annoyed. then, she fell down and was groping another girl and matts leg to stand up and matt turned around and yelled at her. then she started fighting with the other person she touched and said she was mean for calling her wasted. the whole time this is going on kimya stopped playing her song to talk about how lame these drunk girls were and how we should feel sorry for them, but they were oblivious.
matt said he had visions of me trying to kill them and succeeding. i didn’t pay 14 dollars and get lost in DC to miss my kimya. i really do hate it when girls get totally wasted and say/do stupid things. it’s very sad and pathetic. i guess it makes me sad because that is what they think life is about, going to clubs, "partying", and finding a guy there. i know this is an old term but if you do that you aren’t cool, your a bar fly. you aren’t the shit if you where a lot of make up and get wasted. i think most of the world feels bad for you. Listen to the first song off of "at home with Owen" by Owen, it’s about you.

anyways kimya was amazing, panda was adorable, and angelo was very cute and french.

p.s. there were so many fucking 13 year olds there who just came because of juno, it was annoying. every time she played a song off of the soundtrack the girls would be like "i know this one!" of course you do lame ass. and then one girl was like, "play the one that says When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side" and everyone that actually knew her looked in disgust and said "i like giants". I know it’s lame to get mad about other people finding out about an artist that wasn’t popular a little while ago, but it’s not really the music that gets to me, its kimyas way of life that these little girls don’t care about or understand. kimya stands for peace and being environmentally friendly, she is also an amazing mother and i respect her so much for the decisions she has made with panda. she has meant so much to so many people and i guess when i see 13 year olds that don’t even understand, i feel like they are taking it away. a kimya dawson show is not the kind of show you have your mom drop you off at, and then get wasted in the parking lot.

i tried to make gorme-sabzi today but it didnt turn out the way i remember it. im pretty upset.